The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness: A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society
The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness: A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society
First published in 1860, this remarkably thorough manual guided Victorian women through the labyrinth of 19th-century social expectations. Florence Hartley covers everything from table settings and introduction protocols to the delicate art of refusing a dance without giving offense. Yet beneath the seemingly rigid rules lies something unexpected: Hartley insists that true politeness must spring from genuine kindness, not mere performance. 'Do unto others as you would have others do unto you' serves as her founding principle, elevating etiquette beyond empty formality into an expression of moral character. For modern readers, the book functions as both period curiosity and unintended commentary on the performance of femininity. The very specificity of its rules the exact degree of deference expected, the precise wording of formal introductions reveals how thoroughly women's social lives were codified. Reading it today offers a fascinating glimpse into a world where a woman's worth was measured in her ability to make others comfortable, and where mastery of these invisible codes was essential to survival.
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“There is no branch of education called so universally into requisition as the art of letter writing; no station, high or low, where the necessity for correspondence is not felt; no person, young or old, who does not, at some time, write, cause to be written, and receive letters. From the President in his official capacity, with the busy pens of secretaries constantly employed in this branch of service, to the Irish laborer who, unable to guide a pen, writes, also by proxy, to his kinsfolks across the wide ocean; all, at some time, feel the desire to transmit some message, word of love, business, or sometimes enmity, by letter.””
— Florence Hartley
“From the President in his official capacity, with the busy pens of secretaries constantly employed in this branch of service, to the Irish laborer who, unable to guide a pen, writes, also by proxy, to his kinsfolk’s across the wide ocean; all, at some time, feel the desire to transmit some message, word of love, business, or sometimes enmity, by letter.””
— Florence Hartley
“Never by word or action notice the defects of another; be charitable, for all need charity.””
— Florence Hartley
“Politeness, being based upon real kindness of heart, cannot exist where there is selfishness or brutality to warp its growth. It is founded upon love of the neighbor, and a desire to be beloved, and to show love.””
— Florence Hartley
“True politeness will be found, its basis in the human heart, the same in all these varied scenes and situations, but the outward forms of etiquette will vary everywhere.””
— Florence Hartley
“they will never be heard speaking so as to wound the feelings of another;””
— Florence Hartley
“to be truly a lady, one must carry the principles into every circumstance of life, into the family circle, the most intimate friendship, and never forget to extend the gentle courtesies of life to every one.””
— Florence Hartley
“On the other hand, if you are married, never speak of your husband as your “lord,” “husband,” or “good man,” avoid, also, unless amongst relatives, calling him by his Christian name. If you wish others to respect him, show by speaking of him in respectful terms that you do so yourself. If either your own husband or your friend’s is in the army or navy, or can claim the Dr., Prof., or any other prefix to his name, there is no impropriety in speaking of him as the colonel, doctor, or whatever his title may be.””
— Florence Hartley
“It is a want of true politeness that introduces the discord and confusion which too often make our homes unhappy. A little consideration for the feelings of those whom we are bound to love and cherish, and a little sacrifice of our own wills, would, in multitudes of instances, make all the difference between alienation and growing affection.””
— Florence Hartley
