“What is it about avocados that is so goddam cute?! I mean, essentially they are just a knobbly green not-very-attractive-looking piece of fruit. But when you add eyes and cut them in half so that their stones look like podgy bellies, then they are instantly ADORBS. 5.45””
“themselves””
“I guess maybe having a baby ages you or something …””
“to her as we walked off, and she seemed””
“1. Would you rather speak cat or dog? 2. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without taking a shower? 3. What age would you like to get married? 4. How long do you think you’d last in a zombie apocalypse? 5. Do you have a favourite item of underwear? 6. Have you ever eaten your own belly-button fluff? 7. What do you think happens when you die? 8. Have you ever weed in a swimming pool? 9. Do you sometimes hear voices in your head? 10. Do you think it’s possible to grow eyeballs on the ends of your fingers?””
“So that’s the story of how I went trick-or-treating with an axe-wielding, growling banana.””
“were a tad immature, so I gave them to Toby and guess what he did? He ate them! Mum dialled 999 and the person she spoke to said to keep an eye on him and take him to A&E if he started vomiting.””
“Mr Peters gave me a maths problem to solve in detention today. Bernard has 130 balloons. 2/3 of the blue balloons burst. 2/5 of the red balloons burst. There are now 36 more red balloons than blue ones. How many balloons are left in total? It made my head want to explode! WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS: Why did Bernard have such an excessive number of balloons in the first place? How did Bernard manage to burst so many of them? He sounds very careless. Is Bernard not aware of the damaging impact balloons have on the environment? And most importantly …””