The Angel from Vietnam

Written by Bernie Weisz Vietnam Historian Pembroke Pines, Florida e mail:Bernwei1@aol.com June 27, 2010 Title of Review: "It's Hard to Leave" I defy the reader of this book not to read this in one sitting! It's almost impossible to put down. The author, Jim Stewart, in his writing debut, expresses himself so clearly, emotionally and graphically, you get visual pictures in your mind of the descriptions you read! There is a part of everyone's life experienced that the reader will be able to identify with within the pages of this book. This is a story where Stewart looks back on his life, sadly interrupted by the Vietnam War, the loss of his lover, his daughter (and later, he finds out his son, too!) and the sadness of excommunication from his family because of his choices. Originally written as "The Ghosts of Vietnam" (renamed "The Angel of Vietnam" to improve marketability, the book starts off with a prophetic quote:"Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions for your name's sake, O Lord, pardon my iniquity, for it is great. Look at my affliction and my pain, and forgive all my sins". You are forewarned that a "heavy story" is coming up. Stewart was never in combat or was fired upon by the enemy, but he certainly was a psychological casualty, as his "wounding" in many ways hurt much more than a physical wound. Stewart starts off this book asserting that most Vietnam Vets today, aside from those involved in some of the unfortunate tragedies of the war (the My Lai Massacre, for instance) don't regret their tours of duty and wouldn't change any of it, whether positive or negative. They very much resent the undeserving and false stereotypes heaped upon them, such as "baby-killer, "junkie" and "loser" heaped upon them for many years after the end of the war. Stewart has the intelligence to look back at it philosophically and sum up the American Experience, and his personally as:"to me there are no "bad guys", it was a nation at war, and although I may not have understood it much then, I have come to realize that it was a country fighting for it's future. We were part of their struggle whether we accepted that fact or not. Individually we had a tremendous impact on the country and it's people. After all, we were there for a long time and were going to be there forever, weren't we? We wouldn't turn tail and run. We wouldn't be pushed out and be defeated by the Communists like the French. We would stay and build. We would always be in Vietnam. Of course, we didn't stay. We looked over our shoulders and hoped it would all just quietly go away and be behind us, like a bad dream that never really happened. But it has never gone away. it will always be with us far beyond the dying breath of the last Vietnam Vet. The legacy will remain". Unfortunately, some of that legacy is currently having disastrous results, with premature deaths and birth defects occurring in later generations as a consequence of "Dioxin", the poisonous chemical used to defoliate the jungle and deny the enemy it's sanctuary, as well as Vets that are still limping around with permanently disabling injuries. To support the actual combatant in the jungles and rice paddies, for every grunt you had 10 "R.E.M.F's (rear-echelon men-I can't use the exact obscenity-sorry!) in the background safe from combat and engaged in supporting roles. Mr. Stewart was one of those. Growing up Fair Haven, MD., Stewart describes his childhood as one of happiness and financial hardship. Stewart explains that his first glimpse of sex was only to "mate." Relating this story to describe this, "The cellar was also where dad would breed his Beagles. I was not allowed to watch. Any image of sex, even animals breeding was something children were made to turn away from. Often times, his brother, Uncle Fred, would come and help. I'm not sure why it took two grown men to breed two dogs, but I guess that was the wonder of sex. I certainly wondered about it." As the reader will see, Stewart's ideas of sex and children will continue to be confused later in life. Initially attracted to baseball, Stewart realized that his prospects at being a professional baseball player were dim when he realized that he couldn't hit a curve ball. As a teenager, a close friend received a guitar, and Jim was jealous. His father bought Jim one and he became an accomplished strummer until one day tragedy visited him. Jim had two brothers. One, John, was a lot older than him and joined the Air Force, leaving home when Jim was young. His second brother, Bob, was only three years older than him and also joined the Air Force. in 1963, Stewart learned that his father had a lethal form of Leukemia and had less than one year to live. Home without his brothers, Jim was forced to take care of his rapidly declining father unit his tearful death. There is a very painful anecdote where Jim and his brother Bob, on leave form the Air Force, take their father hunting one last time before his death. Jim's dad trapped a buck and his little deerling family in tow, having a perfect shot. Stewart witnessed his father's inability to take that perfect shot, unable to kill the leader of the deer's family. Jim believed that incident was his father's way of making peace with this animal, his impending death, and leaving this world. This story had me in tears, as it made me think of how poorly I dealt with my father dwindling down to nothing from a big, strapping man, the consequence of liver cancer, and my mother, who died instantly in front of me as I was talking to her from a massive cerebral stroke. There are tough descriptions of Stewart cleaning up his immobilized dad after soiling himself from incontinence. In this case, Stewart became "his father's father". There is also a story where Jim's dog, with a broken leg and internal injuries had to be euthanized as with his dad dying there was no money to bring the animal to a vet. What followed is a very hard to read of how Stewart had to kill his dog with a rifle! His father died shortly after-all before Stewart's 18th birthday! Incidentally, as a testament to her loyal devotion, Stewart's mom never dated nor remarried anyone. She died at age 81. Stewart graduated from high school with a "D" average, obviously suffering from depression and shock. He went to a baseball game to see the Philadelphia Phillies and saw an Army recruiting ad and decided to enlist. Flunking all technical tests, the recruiter proposed "Military Police" to Stewart and he acquiesced. Needing to take an M. P. hearing test. Stewart failed that one too (too much guitar playing when he was young destroyed his hearing). Stewart talked to a sergeant and told him that his grandfather was a police sergeant. The sergeant does Stewart a favor, "rubber stamping" his hearing test as passed, and in September, 1966 found himself aboard the "U.S. S. Buckner", the largest troop carrier in the world. Although returning for visits, Vietnam would be Stewart's home until July, 1970. However, during basic training more of Stewart's feeling became confused. Aside from being taunted and humiliated by a sadistic drill sergeant who made fun of Stewart's double chin, he befriended a muscular, massive black G. I. named Ding Rhodes. Three days after basic training graduation, Stewart learned Rhodes was killed in a car accident. More tragedy, abandonment and loss would plague Stewart to the end of this book. Stewart arrived in Long Binh, Vietnam before the massive American build-up of that city. He was eventually moved to Bien Hoa, and lost his virginity soon after to an under aged teenager being pimped to him by her father..for a whopping $2.00! Stewart found brothers pimping sisters, dirt and corruption in Vietnam-anything went! Stewart reflected on that experience with shame: "If I was supposed to feel invigorated, born into manhood, I didn't. How old was this girl? Was that her father who wanted to know where the money was when I entered that shack? I felt guilty." Despite being warned of a dreaded venereal disease in S.E. Asia called "Black Syphilis", Stewart ignored that warning and as a consequence of that experience contracted gonorrhea. Lying about his symptoms to get into sick bay, Stewart was busted upon exposure of his infection and after treatment was punished further by being given latrine detail whereupon he had to "burn feces" for waste disposal. Stewart was warned by his superior, Sgt. Aguirre: "always tell the truth, Stewart. No matter how much it hurts, tell the truth, son". Strange events kept happening to Stewart. He was in Vietnam for 3 months and as mentioned contracted VD, drank till getting drunk, passed out and "mysteriously" woke up at the base's perimeter, and then slept through a mortar attack with the whole base on alert. Next, he was assigned "lookout duty" at a listening post at the perimeter of Long Binh from 2 A.M. to 8 A.M. Fighting off sleep, in the wee hours of the morning, he saw and heard "something out there" coming towards the base. With the fear of sapper and charging NVA "human wave" attacks, without permission from his commander he fired off a flare to light up the area so he could see what was going on. Seeing the flare, the duty officer threatened Stewart "Court Marshal" if he ever did that again. Stewart wrote a remark that well speaks of the entire futile American involvement in Vietnam: "it was no use arguing. The rules of engagement, previously unknown to us, were now clear. No flares would be set off without permission. If we were shot at we'd have to ask permission before we shot a flare off. No matter if we were under attack we'd have to get on the phone and let them know and ask for permission. Would we win the war this way? If there were VC out there in the bush they must be laughing their asses off. I could envision them huddled low around the shrubbery now with one class clown cradling his AK-47 sarcastically chattering in Vietnamese, "call it in, call it". After